Why am I a Vegetarian?

The short answer is this:
I can't un-know, what I now know.

After reading several books like Omnivore's Dilemma, Fast Food Nation, and Eating Animals, I've learned too much. It's clear that the deaths of the animals is the least disturbing part of the system. It's the lives of torture that are really troubling.

I won't get into the details now, that will be for another day.

And I understand why people don't want to hear the details or read the books. Once you go down the rabbit hole of seeing where the food we eat comes from, it's hard to ever climb out. Meat eaters can be told how bad our treatment of animals is. Vegetarians can be told how cruelly we procure milk and eggs. Vegans can be told that they should only be dumpster diving.

For now, I'll be a vegetarian.
And I'll leave the rest of the rabbit hole for another day.

And now:

A Random Song of Joy

What are "Silent Cheers?"

This summer I am touring around America with my show, The Bible Players, visiting 12 Jewish Camps.
Jewish Camps are wonderful breeding grounds of innovation, adventure, and babies.

Yesterday at a camp in Georgia we got to see many versions of a great activity called a "Silent Cheer."
This is a cheer that is set off by the counselor and involves all the campers responding in unison with a silent set of clapping and hand gestures.
For one group when we said "Everybody Dance Now" they all did this silent dance then got silent.

This technique was brilliant for getting them excited and calm at the same time.
Keep up the great innovative thinking camps!

And now today's:

RANDOM SONG OF JOY!

Why is DOMA no MORE-A?

Today the Supreme Court ruled in an obvious but monumental decision that the Defense of Marriage Act is unconstitutional. Justice Kennedy rightly said that it is a law designed solely to discriminate against and humiliate gay and lesbian couples who are legally married.

The practical effects are immediate and important for the gay and lesbian couples who are married and will now have the same access to federal benefits that straight couples have.

Justice Scalia in his dissent said that: “In the majority’s telling, this story is black-and-white: Hate your neighbor or come along with us. The truth is more complicated.”
No it's not Justice Scalia.
The truth is very simple. That gay couples deserve the same respect that straight couples do.
There's nothing complicated about that. 

Why do we Still Need the Voting Rights act of 1965?

Today the Supreme Court struck down a key part of the Voting Rights Act of 1965 saying essentially that Congress was using outdated data that was no longer relevant.

Section 5 of the Voting Rights Act required 9 Southern States to get Pre-clearance before changing their voting rules.
Why?
Because these states had a particularly bad history of using voting rules to disenfranchise millions of Blacks and other minorities. Because of this they had to prove at the Federal level that any new voter laws would not serve to discriminate amongst their state's voters.

This law was renewed as recently as 2006 in a completely uncontroversial 390-33 vote in the House. That's because using rules to disenfranchise people is still used and attempted constantly across the country.

In 2012, our most recent Presidential Election Voter ID laws were put in place or attempted all over the country. These laws fight an imaginary problem, voter fraud. The claim is that people are sneaking in to vote under other people's names and getting away with it because they don't need ID. This is ridiculous. Why would anyone risk a federal crime and jail time just to cast one vote? Plus less than 50% of the public even cares to vote anyway.

Voted ID laws are all about trying to disenfranchise people. Specifically poor people, elderly, and minorities who don't have the money to get a government ID.

Laws like the Voting Rights Act are one small barrier against widespread voter disenfranchisement. The Supreme Court should not have struck this law down.
Just because we have a black president doesn't mean that racism is gone.

Has Anyone Ever Actually Gotten a "Blumpkin?"

You don't know what a Blumpkin is?
Good for you. You may want to stop reading now and never know.

You're still reading? Okay... I warned you...

Wiktionary defines  a "Blumpkin" this way:
"1. The act of performing fellatio while the recipient is defecating in a toilet."  

I can't think of a less appealing activity in the world. I'd rather watch Two and a Half Men while eating a bowl of Jalapeno peppers.

My only guess is that a blumpkin is just the ultimate power trip for a guy. Because if someone is willing to give you a blumpkin, willing to go down on you while you get rid of that burrito you ate the day before, then that's love.

But making someone give you a blumpkin, that's not love at all.

So do whatever floats your boat, and stay safe. But don't ever ask me for a blumpkin.

And now Today's:

Random Song of Joy

Why do I Wear my Bag in Front of me on the Subway?

I don't know why so few people do what seems to me to be the obviously courteous thing to do:

Wear your bag in front of you. 

On the Subway in New York, at least on my number 1 train (Woo! Number 1!), it's always crowded. And yet people come in with shoulder bags and giant backpacks sticking out way behind them bumping everyone in the way. How many times have you been bumped or pushed by a bag on someone's bag and they don't even notice?

Instead I wear my bag in front. Because we all want a little space in front of us, I'm not taking up any unnecessary space. 

Get with the program people, and flip that bag to the front! You'll never accidentally knock down an old lady again.

And now Today's:

Random Song of Joy 

What do I learn from this Restaurant Sign?

I walked by this place in New York the other day.

Here were my first two thoughts:
1. Maybe you have the best pasta or the best gyro. But no way you have both.
2. I'm not sure I trust your judgment when you can't spell pizzeria.

That is all. I'll stop being a grammar snob.

And now:

Today's Random Song of Joy! 

Why do I wear a Bike Helmet?

Everyone knows bike helmets mess up your hair, look nerdy, and are generally not cool.
But I always feel like no one thinks I'm cool anyway so why not just wear the helmet.

There are many things in life that look cool but are kind of dumb:
Smoking.
Bottle Service.
Kanye West.

The point is that you have to be willing to look uncool and know that you're right. You also get to feel really self righteous which never hurts. Just like being a Vegetarian.

We also have to bully each other into being uncool together so that we stay safe. If all your friends are wearing helmets then you're not the weirdo. To get serious for a moment I knew someone who got killed on a bike years ago when he was hit by a drunk driver. It wasn't the biker's fault at all, a drunk driver had turned onto the bike path. But what no one talked about was the fact that he wasn't wearing a helmet. It felt unnecessarily cruel to talk about at the time. But it's worth talking about to make sure we don't lose any more friends for that reason. 

I know that wearing a bike helmet doesn't look cool.
But do it anyway so that you'll be able to hang out with your friends who don't care if you look cool. They're your real friends anyway. 

And now today's...

RANDOM SONG OF JOY!

How was I an Accidental A-Hole at the Laundromat?

Avid readers will remember that on Tuesday I discussed doing laundry and the one fun part being the big money that you get when you change a $20.

What I didn't tell you on Tuesday was how this idea and this picture made me act like a jerk.
As I put the coins from the machine in my change bag I laughed at how great it is to put in a $20 and get out so many coins. So I began to jot down this idea in my phone.

Then I realized that a picture of the coins would really be helpful in conveying what I'm talking about. But I'd already taken the coins out of the slot. So I pulled out my change bag and put handfuls of quarters back in the machine to recreate the magical moment.
I took a picture and took the coins back for a second time.

It wasn't until I finished this and turned around that I noticed a young Hispanic mom and her 5 year old son waiting to get change.
I realized how insane I must have looked.
I got change. Put it in my pocket. Pulled out my phone. Put the change back in the machine. Took a photo. Then took the change again.

So I have to come clean and say sorry to that random mom for being an a-hole.

And now Todays:

RANDOM SONG OF JOY

When does a Yogurt Tear Friends Apart?

Roommate stories are often the best.

The reason is that living together means that you're around each other all the time, and sometimes the slightest slight, can blow things up. 

For Example, yogurt.

Yesterday I was speaking to 3 women who live together who told the saga of how a Yogurt explosion almost tore them apart. 

One roommate had accidentally spilled a yogurt but didn't have time to clean it out of the fridge before heading to work. According to them this was a big spill, "the Hiroshimana of Yogurt explosions."

Another roommate demanded that the 3rd roommate clean it and she said that there was no way she would do that. Roommates 2 and 3 were in a fight at that point.

A day of texting and debating between 2 and 3 ensued full of frustration, questions, and fears about broken friendships. But then the day ended with the 3rd roommate cleaning up the explosion and buying the 2nd flowers to say sorry for being snippy. 

It was a beautiful story full of anger and redemption.

And Yogurt. 

And now Today's:

RANDOM SONG OF JOY!

Why do New Yorkers Walk so Fast?

The main reason is that unlike most other places in the US, most New Yorkers don't drive. This means that while in other cities people late for work might have road rage, in New York it's sidewalk rage. We can't honk in person so we're forced to sigh or grunt as we shove by a slow moving walker.

The other reason is that you are constantly bombarded by people asking for change, or with a story, or with a political issue that desperately needs your money. New Yorkers become reflexively defensive and guarded because of this. It would be exhausting to most people to have a conversation with everyone that asks for something. So instead, they just walk fast and ignore everyone.

So it makes sense that we all walk so fast around the city. But sometimes we do have to remind ourselves to break a breath, and smell the flowers...or rather the urine and trash.

Now Here's Today's:

RANDOM SONG OF JOY!

What's the Only Good thing about doing Laundry?

Laundry is just the worst isn't it?
Especially in New York.
There's just too many of us on this island. And we're all really dirty.

My laundromat is two blocks away but might as well be its own planet. Once you go through those doors it's like stepping into an alternate universe. There are piles of clothes everywhere and old Hispanic ladies moving clothes around like lumberjacks lifting logs. How are they so strong?

I think that doing Laundry is probably a great workout for anybody:
Folding, that's some nice arm work. Lifting, that's your whole back and core. Frustration that the machine broke, you'll be sweating off those donuts in no time.

Somehow my Laundromat is open 24/7 and is still always busy. That's how full New York is. You can be open every hour of every day and it still feels like you decided to do laundry during happy hour.

But today I discovered one great moment at the Laundromat. Today I had to get change.
I only had a $20. When I put the bill into the machine it rumbled. It bumbled. And then all of a sudden I started hearing that sweet "Plink" "Plink" "Plink" sound at the bottom of the machine. I was the big winner!

I put in only one bill and out came dozens of coins! It was my lucky day!
Everything's looking up Andrew!

And now...here's today's...

Random Song of Joy!

What Kind of Tax will Everyone Pay?

I visited Costa Rica recently with my family and had a very mixed trip.
We survived the crazy jungles and animals and made it to the beach, where my mom was knocked over by a wave and got hurt. She's fine now but at the time it was scary and we were afraid she had a neck or spine injury. Again, she's fine now.

So you can imagine that when we made it to the Airport, we were eager to go.
And that's when we saw this:

Brilliant Costa Rica!
A tax to leave!
Literally you can't escape that crazy place unless you pay a tax.
Other countries need to try this. Cause people may grumble, but no one has ever decided to live in a foreign country because they stubbornly won't pay a $29 tax.

"Well the reason I raised you kids in Sri Lanka is that Daddy went on a trip. And when I tried to go home they wanted me to pay them to leave! So I said, no, this is where I will live now. I'll show them that I won't be bullied into paying them an exit tax! I'll live here forever...and pay sales, property, and income tax. Ahhh!!! I can't win!"

So we paid. And we're back.
Other countries can learn that this is the way to tax.

Why are Ads Filled with Fake Science?

In high school I had a great teacher named Mr. Dougherty who opened my eyes to the way advertisers manipulate our lack of scientific knowledge.
Mr. Dougherty said, "Shampoos will often say, 'PH balanced for your soft skin' or something like that. What they're not telling you is that every shampoo has to be PH balanced because otherwise it would burn your skin."

Since then I've had an eye out for deceptive ads that state the obvious as if it's something novel.
And one ad caught my eye yesterday on the subway. It's an ad for "AIRism" a new product from Uniqlo which for some reason is named like a religion.

I just love the part of the sentence where it says that Airism is "engineered specifically for both men and women."
That is actually not specific at all.
If Airism is for men and women then it's engineered specifically for every human on the planet.

It's like someone asking me what kind of women I like and me saying,
"I specifically like short and tall women, fat and skinny women, and specifically the women that have boobs."

What's not shown in this picture is that the Men's and Women's descriptions are slightly different descriptions of the same effects.

Be skeptical of science in ads people, cause remember:
They're just trying to sell you something.

Can Men do Yoga?

I wouldn't call myself a Yogi. But the fact that I know that term shows you I've dabbled. The term Yogi refers to someone who is a student of Yoga. It's hard to take seriously an activity that takes its terms from a cartoon bear.

I think that Yoga is better suited for women because of one specific pose.
The Superman pose:

For men this pose is very problematic. There is no way to say this delicately so I'll just say it:

It crushes your penis. 

You lift your arms and legs and extend them so that all your weight is on your midsection. I'd say about 25% of my body weight ends up right on my family jewels.

So while this pose may be great for you ladies, this superman pose is not so great for my little supermen if you catch my drift. 

Yoga is basically stressful relaxation.

It's doing poses that are difficult but trying to stay relaxed while doing them. 

So as an inflexible, out of shape man, I face a dilemma. 

Do I not worry about doing the poses well and just stay in the relaxed spirit?

Or struggle hard to do the poses but lose any attempt at a zen like state?

Sometimes I can do both, and sometimes I can achieve neither. 

But I really feel that any activity has value if you put an effort into it. 

So Happy Yogaing everyone!

And for you Yoga teachers, if you see guys in your Yoga class, go easy with the Superman. 

Why are Parents Forcing their Kids to do Yoga?

Yoga is great for a lot of adults.
They find it relaxing, invigorating, healthy, and positive.
And that's great.
But don't force it on your kids.

I read this week in The Metro about "Yogi Beans," a yoga camp for children.
Don't worry, it's not an 8-week camp that they can't escape from.
It's a 2 hour program they can do many times.
But it's still too much!

I've tried Yoga once or twice.
Cause I'm a straight male, but I'm not afraid to dabble in the feminine arts.

Yoga is full of various poses. Some of them make a lot of sense.
Cat and Cow definitely feel like a nod to the real animal.
Downward Facing Dog looks like a dog.

But the "Child's Pose?"
Have you ever seen an actual child in "Child's Pose?"
No.
Neither have I.

Children like to run and jump and skip and play.
And they do lie face down sometimes. But not with their legs gently and symmetrically tucked underneath them and their toes spread wide apart.
They just act like kids and lie down whatever way they please.

I'm just saying that I don't think adults should be teaching children how to do:
"The Child's Pose"

Some back tomorrow when I'll answer the question:
Can Men do Yoga?

Why are Iranians Drinking Dog Sweat?

The New York Times has reported that seven people have died in Iran from drinking homemade booze.  In the town of Rafsanjan, (pronounced like it sounds) people have been going blind, getting sick, and dying, because they are drinking alcohol made from Antifreeze.

Iran in 2013 is like America during prohibition.
Alcohol is banned, but everyone who wants to drink is still drinking.
The big difference is that in Iran you can get the Death Penalty if you get caught drinking a lot.

The two popular options in Iran for alcohol are imported Vodka and homemade Vodka known as arak sagi, or:
Dog Sweat.

The danger of this practice is obvious, and the lesson is simple.
When you make drugs illegal they don't go away, they just get pushed underground.
Instead of Iranians sipping appletinis in bars like Carrie Bradshaw, they are chugging it in basements like under aged frat kids.

So Iran, get with the times and make alcohol legal and safe instead of illegal and dangerous.
If anyone could use a drink to mellow out, it's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

So make it legal, and grab a cold one. I guarantee it will taste better than Dog Sweat.

Why are Dogs Just the Best?

Last week I was writing about Michele Bachmann.
That got me thinking about other Dumb, Crazy, Bitches in my life.
I thought of my dog Daisy.

Daisy, like all dogs, is really great because she's really dumb.
Every time I leave the house she is depressed because she thinks I'm gone forever. While this is sad for her it is great news for me. Because it means that when I return home after 5 hours or 5 minutes, she greets me like a soldier returning from war.

"Oh my God! You're back! I never thought I'd see you again! I can't believe it! You've missed so much. There is this bone, and this tennis ball. And if you threw them down the hallway I know I could chase them and bring them back! Oh I can't believe you're home!"

Sometimes Daisy seems like that great imaginary 1950's wife that never really existed. You know that one that spends their whole day just sitting at home, pining for you, getting ready to play with you when you get home.

"Oh Honey! You're back! I've done nothing but think of you. I'm naked, of course, no need for clothes. And I'd love to kiss you right on the mouth and then play with your balls!"

Dogs are the best!