Why am I going to start wearing an eyepatch?

I learned recently that many think that pirates wore eyepatches not because they got their eyes poked out constantly, but for visual advantage. Some theorize that pirates wore them so that when they went below deck they could switch which eye the patch was on and their eye that was used to the patch, could see in the darkness.

This feels intuitively true to me. Partly because I had an entire job based on this inability of eyes to adjust to darkness quickly. I was an usher for Cirque Du Soleil, a job that exists because when people entered the circus tent it was dark and coming out of the sunlight they could see nothing. We could see because we had been standing in the tent and helped them to their seats with flashlights.

So here's why I want to wear an eyepatch.

I'm going to steal the pirates idea and become the most successful robber ever.

And I know what you're thinking. Andrew, it's going to be pretty easy to catch the guy who is known for wearing an eye patch. And my answer to that is Yes and No. Yes, it will be easy to find me, but no, it will be hard to catch me.

The way I'll rob people will be the same way I'll elude capture. My plan is to enter, say, a jewelry store and switch the eye patch to the other eye, then hit the light switch. The room will be thrown into darkness. The store owners will be confused and bewildered. But meanwhile I'll be seeing perfectly. I'll be gone with their precious money before they can find the switch.

In the same way the cops may corner me in my room. But off go the lights, and I'm out the door.

So watch out world. Cause I've got an eye patch, and I'm not afraid to use it. And your world is about to get very dark.

And the only way to stop me, is if one of you wears an eye patch. But you'll never have the juevos to do it.