Why do Corporations Give to Democrats and Republicans?

Corporations care about one thing, gaming the rules in the laws so as to be most favorable to them.
Small businesses just compete within the rules.
Corporations are big enough to realize, "They can write the rules."

But how do corporations make sure that the senator with the pen is listening to them?
They give them money!
But surely, Andrew, you ask, they couldn't possibly give money to all of the candidates?
Well, As Barack Obama sort of said, "Yes They Can!

Corporations can cover all their bases if they give to Democrats and Republicans. As long as they can keep any other candidates out of serious contention, they know that either a D or an R will come after the congressman's name.

So they give to both.
Cause it works.

One of the oldest reporting rules seems to be one of the hardest for us to get a grip on...
"Follow the Money."

Corporations' money goes to making sure that either the Democrat or the Republican wins. That legislator then write laws so that whether the coin lands heads, or tails.
They win.

Third party candidates have a hard time in National Elections because of this dynamic. But local races are a whole different story.
But that's for another day.

What's the Dumbest Thing Michele Bachmann has Ever Said?

Some of you may have heard the sad news yesterday that Michele Bachmann, beloved Republican Representative from Minnesota, will not be seeking re-election.
It's a sad day for all of us who have enjoyed her bat shit crazy statements. 

But what's the dumbest thing she has ever said?

Was it when in in October 2008 she said that we should investigate which members of Congress are "Pro-America" and which are "Anti-America?"
Nah. Mccarthyism and witch hunting happen are fun for the whole family.

Was it when in August 2011 she implied that the Hurricane that hit the East Coast was God trying to send a message about the need to cut spending?
Nah. God does like to intervene in fiscal issues. We all know that Noah's Flood was God's response to those Tax and Spend Moabites.

Was it when in April 2009 she said that there was not one study that showed that Carbon Dioxide gas was harmful?
Nah. This is definitely dumb. Like saying, "There's water in my bathtub and I'm fine, so why is everybody scared of tsunamis?" There are lots of Climate Change deniers so this doesn't make her unique.

The winner goes to Michele for her comments in January 2011 that The Founding Fathers worked tirelessly until they ended slavery. 
Let's see, Revolution...1776. Slavery Ending...1863.
87 years apart! And back then people lived till they were 30! So no, Michele. I don't think that the Founding Fathers kept fighting for 87 years until Slavery was ended.
I happen to know that some of them, like Thomas Jefferson, rather liked their slaves a lot.

The more important reason that this is dumb is that it involves fetishizing the Founding Fathers and believing that everything they did was right. They had a lot of great ideas and set up a system that is still going today. But they didn't know everything. And when we pretend that they knew everything, we don't allow ourselves to question their ideas, or change things for the better.

So goodbye Michele, and have a nice life.
I'm happy that our Founding Fathers made sure you could say whatever crazy shit popped into your brain. Because when you say the dumbest nonsense in the world and don't get in any trouble, we know that we can say dumb shit too.
Thanks Michele!

Should Irish Farmers be Allowed to Drive Drunk?

Before you accuse my question of being based on an old stereotype of Irish Drunkards, read this article. Apparently some councilmen in Southwest Ireland are petitioning the government to grant some permits to farmers to drive above the legal limit.

Why do they want to do that you ask?
They argue that suicide and depression are a major problem in these rural areas and that these farmers just need a drink. Or five. One can debate whether or not drinking is likely to make people happier or more depressed.
Coke and Prostitutes might make these farmers happy too but no one is going down that road.

Drinking and driving is all too common everywhere because of this simple fact:
How else are you going to drink at a bar?

I'm lucky enough to live in New York City where public transportation and cabs are available 24/7. No one else in America and very few people around the world are so lucky. Every time I visit another city I find friends putting themselves in situations where they drink and drive.

In Texas for instance it's all highways and overpasses. It's pretty hard to walk to the bars. Designated drivers are great in theory but fall short in practice. There's just not enough of us who can tolerate the idea of soberly babysitting your drunken friends. I've done it happily on occasion, but it's not something I want to do all the time.

So here's my solution...
Party Buses!
Bars should have to pay a small tax from their sales that goes towards a fleet of party buses which stay running as long as they're open! It will be fun, communal, and will make one sober bus driver the designated driver for everybody! And customers can be encouraged to use the bus instead of driving cars by being given free drink tokens and other rewards.

So Ireland, don't let Farmers drive drunk. Even if they get a few drinks at the bar, they'll still be driving home alone. Create a party bus, and those farmers can start finding some new fields where they can plant their seed.

Why does the new Arrested Development suck like a banger in the mouth?

Here's a rule that I live by, that you should live by too.

Assume sequels are terrible, until you hear otherwise.

It's so much better this way.
Most of the time it's true, that sequels just don't compare. And this way, when they're actually good, they'll be even better because you've lowered your expectations. 

Which brings us back to Arrested Development. 

I went in with low expectations, and they were met. 

The brilliance of the old show was that every episode was about Michael's struggle to be a good guy. Each episode was about the push and pull of Michael's relationship to his family. Whether to leave them, or whether to save them. That's not there anymore. 

But most of all, the reason the new Arrested Development sucks is because it's just not that funny. They're trying their best, and there are definitely some laughs. But just not enough great ones to keep the audience happy and engaged. 

But I'm not angry with them. It's tough to write good jokes.

Comedy is hard.

Like a Banger in the Mouth. 

What are House Republicans up to These Days?

I'll tell you what they're up to. 

House Republicans are voting down Obamacare.

Over and over again. 

37 Times to be exact. 

37!

They know that this is delusional. They know that Obamacare has been passed into law and defended by the Conservative leader of the Supreme Court. It's happening fellas. And they know it, they're just putting on a show and slowing things down. 

It reminds me of when you're playing tag as a little kid and you're it. And there are always those kids that whenever you get near them to tag them they just stop running and say, 

"Not playing, I'm not playing you guys." 

They say it just so they won't get tagged! They get all the fun of tag but then when something happens they don't like they say,

"Nope, no thanks. We didn't want Obamacare so no, we're not playing if that's the game."

Or maybe it's more like that kid that sticks their fingers in their ear when they don't want to hear something and are like,

"I can't hear you. Sorry. Not listening...."

Republican House Members are basically sticking their fingers in their ears and saying, 

"Not listening! Obamacare will not happen if I can't hear it. I can keep this up forever!"

And Alas they'll try.

But come 2014, it will start. Then we can stop fighting over whether it will happen, and start figuring out how to make it work well.